New Steps

A friend who facilitates a support group begins the gathering with a time for each member to “check in.”  After they  have shared what they are coping with at the moment, she reminds participants to add the phrase “and I am  much more than that.”  It’s wise advice.  In the midst of a health challenge, preoccupation with seeking signs of progress or new treatments may dominate much of our time and energy.  It helps to remind ourselves and others that we are “much more than that.”

While waiting for a further conference on next steps in treatment, I’ve looked for ways to celebrate my wholeness rather than wallowing in my discomforts and limitations.  I was able to participate with  kinship family advocates in our day at the Capitol last month. We have been successful in securing more financial support for grandparents raising grandchildren and other kin caregivers.  It’s an important investment in stability which we have achieved through many visits to legislators telling our stories.  Because we show up frequently during the sessions, deliver “Cookies from Grandmas,” and are clear about our commitment to getting more help for  traumatized children, we have been referred to as BAGs—as in "Watch out, here come those Bad-Ass Grandmothers!” Solidarity and persistence pays off.

Other active practices: I meditate and pray every day, praying especially for border issues here and worldwide for those affected by violence and oppression.  My granddaughter’s kitten keeps me company as we watch the birds feeding outside the kitchen windows. These sunny mornings the greening of the desert and emergent flowers lighten my spirit.  I sing in accompaniment with favorite CDs, joined in the MLK sing-along, and add my voice to hymns in church.  Singing always reminds me of Andy and our life together. What power song has to create community and strengthen movements for justice!  Hope.  All these activities encourage and support hope.

Because of the impending retirement of the senior oncologist working with me, and with his advice, I’ve been given a new doctor.  I chose him based both on his experience and, significantly, on his philosophy.  This will  mean developing a new relationship and participating in a renewed review of my treatment plan.  We welcome the opportunity to have his expertise and perspective on my progress and options.  Cathy and I had a final appointment with the departing doctor this week.  He has recommended that I become one of the first patients in southern Arizona to try a radioactive drug called Lutathera, newly approved by the FDA. It targets neuroendocrine tumors and is administered by infusion.  The insurance company will have to approve it, of course.  Apparently it costs $47,000 per dose, but luckily I will need to have it only once.  I question how much of this cost is justified by the cost of research to develop the treatment, and how much of the cost is evidence of opportunism and greed.  Just wonderin’…

Oh, and finally a welcome new development in my life.  My hair has thickened again and has come back to being curly!  I have to admit to a bit of vanity, and I’ve always considered my hair to be one of my best features.

Resources: 

During this season of Lent, one of the lectionary readings was the passage where Jesus asks us to love our enemies.  Here is an excerpt from a poem by Steve Garnaas-Holmes:

                        Love [the divine Light] in everyone.

                        Love it in the struggling neighbor

                        And in the awful, the tyrant, the evil ones.

                       

                        As you stand for justice,

                        confront the oppressor,

                        resist the bearers of evil,

                        do it with love in your heart,

                        for them, and for the world.

                        Disarm them as you must,

                        with love for the lost child in them

                        and for the ones they harm.

Keeping our heart in the light

                        gives us courage to fight evil

                        with love.

In reading various sources for meditation, I found a blog entry from a mission co-worker placed in Chiapas, Mexico.  Elena Huegel trains leaders in how to promote healing from trauma at an individual and community level.  In this self-reflective blog entry she relates experiences in her work to the concept of tempering the soul for resilience.  The idea is that on our spiritual journey, we can cultivate flexibility and endurance through adopting personal practices.  She gives examples that illustrate the importance of

•        nourishing a healthy sense of humor,
•         recognizing the dignity in the other,
•         developing patience,
•         pausing to discern where and when to seek justice, when to love kindness, or when to walk humbly on knowing one is not God,
•         taking slow, thoughtful care, like the seasonal nature of garden flowers, avoiding quick fixes,
•         creating safe space where all can thrive and form a counter balance on which one can lean when bending in hurt or pain.

If you’d like to read the entire blog, I can send it to you as an email attachment.  Send me a message at annwnichols@gmail.com.

I am grateful to all of you, my beloved support community, for your prayers, thoughts, and good wishes.  They continue to help with my healing and hope.